This article is Ancient (archive 2011)

Should Teachers Shoot at Bankers? An Unbiased Analysis.

This week, a friend of mine from grad school begins student teaching. He’s teaching, for free, in a neighborhood where, as another student warns us, his friend was shot last month.

Much talk about “deficit spending” focuses on the issue of “teacher pay”, especially in a dairy-related state a little north of my home. The argument states that paying teachers upwards of 50K a year is destroying America. We need an alternative solution that solves the budget problems while preventing teacher morale from descending to new, painful lows.

My suggestion? Since teachers get paid 50K a year to work where ballistic violence is possible, we should let teachers bring a little equality to the private sector. We should export the ballistic violence from our schools and send it to the private sector. Since high teacher morale has a direct correlation to student achievement, allowing teachers to shoot bankers benefits everyone.

Too keep things fair, teachers needn’t shoot with deadly accuracy.  I suggest shooting in the general direction of bankers. To properly simulate what many teachers have to deal with the ballistic violence should occur in and around their places of work.

The violence should be scaled according to income disparity. A banker making 100k a year would receive approximately twice as much ballistic violence in his vicinity as a banker making 40-60k a year, who would see violence comparable to what the teachers face.  If the standard pay of teachers is lowered to, say, 30k a year we would implement a proportional raise in violence.

Bankers feel this way now. Teachers have been feeling it for too long to describe.

While I use bankers as an illustration, this moral strategy could be implemented for any number of private sector jobs. Lawyers, for example, or Doctors usually make several times more in their annual salary and receive a disproportionately low amount of ballistic violence.

Not only would this go a great distance to create equality among the professions, but would also greatly bolster morale among teachers so that they can continue to battle the symptoms of poverty that the private sector is far to busy to ever pay attention to. Media slander and unfortunately low pay takes its toll on our ability to “win the future” with a generation of well-educated students.

Jonathan Swift never had to put up with this shit. Do you have any other suggestions for dealing with terminally low teacher morale?

Donny got a BA in English, which he thought meant badass, but then he got to the real world. Now he realizes it means bitter academic. Donny did a stint in grad school with a focus on education, which made him angry enough to start writing columns. While education is still his main focus, Donny now wants to apply his academic rigor to other mundane activities.